i want something that's better than this

Yesterday I went to the mall with Summer Bonch (Aka Brittany). She bought shoes and other teenage girl stuff. I bought Tide, shampoo, and my mom a cd. I went to Target to buy the stuff I am not an effin stalker I swear and didn't see Steven. So I have officially given up on that. All signs point no. The iTunes shuffle game, the fact that we NEVER cross paths and I am somehow at the mall everyday, and my horoscope. So I am done.  I bought the sunglasses I have been looking for since July.
After that we went for a walk. As we were I got solicited by some creepy men. They asked if I could come over to speak to them. I said "No, Have a nice day." My momma taught me right.

 We then we went to Cedarsuck to hang out with Austin. He was in a weird mood. He had just fucked Stacey but he was still horny. So he kept saying sexual things that he wanted to do. I explained to him as Catholic I don't do these things and by these things I mean BUTTSEX. He kept saying how he wanted to hook up with me. So I was pushing Brittany on him. I was like Brittany is kinky do her. I was also reminding him that personality wise and aesthetically he wasn't my type. I did tell him he was my Mickey Rooney. I think he liked that. I was looking for a Mickey Rooney but I realized Austin is about as close as I'm ever going to get to my Mickey Rooney. We had a good time talking about the olden days and such. He had to go watch Entourage. 

Brittany and I walked some more trying to figure out the conundrum and our bad luck. Brittany's problem is she is afraid to take the first step. She never even gets up to bat. My problem is that I have no problem taking the first step. I always take that risk but I never get the reward. Brittany is seen as shy and delicate so guys don't want to mess with her for fear of breaking her heart. I am the flip side guys see me as more of a confident joker so they have really no problem rejecting me. "Its just Viviana she'll get over it." You know it kinda hurts. It really is why I am so private with my feelings now because beforehand I was super open and I would just get shot down. You never get shot down if you don't try. Brittany says it’s brave of me to try. I told her "Some say brave I say stupid." That’s exactly how I feel stupid for trying, stupid for failing, stupid for caring. I am getting really bitter about these things. I said to Brittany that I'm not a jealous but I am jealous of the girls that don't even have to try. They get everywhere and don't have to try. While others try their hardest and end up nowhere. For once I just want to get somewhere. There are so many times I can play Platonic Patty. 
By the time I got home the first thing my mom noticed was the sunglasses on my head. She goes "Oh looked they are cracked." I didn't drop them once. I was like this is the most blatant metaphor my life. That is my life: Sunglasses that are on sale that I have been looking for two months, cracked before I can really ever enjoy them.
I talked to Jillian. She seems happy in college. She is going to do well. I can feel it.