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I put the angst in Gangsta
Sep. 3rd, 2006 05:41 pmBefore I say anything I want to say Happy Birthday to Andrew McMahon! So what if he won't read this it’s nice to know someone knows your birthday.
Warning prepare to see Depressed!Viviana.
My day is currently getting better but it started pretty shitty.
I woke up and Superman 2 was on so I watched the end of that. We (the familia and I) needed to go out so we decided to go to the mall. I was looking for something to wear but I couldn't find anything that made me feel good looking. You ever have those days where you just want to feel cute but everything is against you? Well that is how it was today. I was so sick of wearing my standard t-shirt with some random pop cultural reference on it. I couldn't find anything that made me feel good. So I put on some band t-shirt and left the house unsatisfied with my physical appearance.
I made my dad a cd for the car trip. I thought it would cheer him up. He hasn't been very happy lately because he might be sick, like REALLY sick. I think he is scared. I am scared for him. He doesn't know I know though. My mom told me and then realized maybe I wasn't told because he didn't want me to know. I'm terrified that he is sick. I can't have him get sick like my mom was or perhaps worse. Dana, if you read this please act like you didn't. I don't want you to know and really I don't want anyone to know. I can't keep this to myself though. I can't have 2 parents with bad health especially my dad. I love him too much to see him hurt. It’s different with my mom because she has always been sick as far back as I can remember. She was never 100%. It’s almost sad that my earliest memories of my mother are of visiting her in the hospital. She is better now for you people who actually read this. He put the cd in and listened. He didn't smile once or sing along or anything. I put all his favorite songs on it and everything. It was kinda upsetting because my dad is the type of dad that when you are 7 and decide you want to make pancakes he will eat them even if they are broken and burned. He will tell you they are best pancakes in the world. He is nice like that and he couldn't pretend to be happy that’s how I know he is really scared. He won't talk about it though. He will probably keep it to himself until we know for sure. I know it’s stupid that for once my little gestures couldn't make happy and that upsets me.
I went to the mall and I bought some crap. While I was in the sneaker store there were tons of people in there too. I was feel suffocated I had to get out of the store. I get like that sometimes. If there are a lot of people around me and too close I HAVE to get out. It’s probably why I hate elevators so much. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like that. I wish I could handle being around in a crowded place with people I don't know and having the surround me wouldn't make me feel anxiety.
It never happens when I go to shows though. Hmm...strange.
Anyway, after I got my crap, My mom couldn't decide what to eat and I couldn't take her whining so I just said "I never saw so much drama over something that is just going to go down your damn throat hole." At the mention of throat hole I thought of Courtney because she said that once and I found that visual quite strong. After that she chose Chinese food. We ate then I called Dana.
Dana and I talked about how she is now into Veronica Mars and finally understands what I have been talking about this whole time. It was a short and sweet conversation and she says she will call back later. I am now waiting by the phone like if I was some love sick girl waiting for her boyfriend to call. Its sad that I care more about Dana calling than boys. I guess it is because she is cooler.
School starts on Tuesday. I'm not excited or nervous or anything. I have been doing this school shit since I was three. I have had 12 first school days (not including when I moved). The whole new school year thing has kinda lost its excitement. I don't think I will be excited until senior year even then probably not that much. I am sadder about the end of summer. This was probably the best summer I've had in a while. Discovered lots of good music, created tons of cds, and formed at least 12 million inside jokes. I know it has to end though. I wish it didn't but I need school around now. I need to keep busy to get my mind off stuff.
I will leave you with a Quote from Perks (which I read again today) that I feel sums up me right now
"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
-Charlie
Warning prepare to see Depressed!Viviana.
My day is currently getting better but it started pretty shitty.
I woke up and Superman 2 was on so I watched the end of that. We (the familia and I) needed to go out so we decided to go to the mall. I was looking for something to wear but I couldn't find anything that made me feel good looking. You ever have those days where you just want to feel cute but everything is against you? Well that is how it was today. I was so sick of wearing my standard t-shirt with some random pop cultural reference on it. I couldn't find anything that made me feel good. So I put on some band t-shirt and left the house unsatisfied with my physical appearance.
I made my dad a cd for the car trip. I thought it would cheer him up. He hasn't been very happy lately because he might be sick, like REALLY sick. I think he is scared. I am scared for him. He doesn't know I know though. My mom told me and then realized maybe I wasn't told because he didn't want me to know. I'm terrified that he is sick. I can't have him get sick like my mom was or perhaps worse. Dana, if you read this please act like you didn't. I don't want you to know and really I don't want anyone to know. I can't keep this to myself though. I can't have 2 parents with bad health especially my dad. I love him too much to see him hurt. It’s different with my mom because she has always been sick as far back as I can remember. She was never 100%. It’s almost sad that my earliest memories of my mother are of visiting her in the hospital. She is better now for you people who actually read this. He put the cd in and listened. He didn't smile once or sing along or anything. I put all his favorite songs on it and everything. It was kinda upsetting because my dad is the type of dad that when you are 7 and decide you want to make pancakes he will eat them even if they are broken and burned. He will tell you they are best pancakes in the world. He is nice like that and he couldn't pretend to be happy that’s how I know he is really scared. He won't talk about it though. He will probably keep it to himself until we know for sure. I know it’s stupid that for once my little gestures couldn't make happy and that upsets me.
I went to the mall and I bought some crap. While I was in the sneaker store there were tons of people in there too. I was feel suffocated I had to get out of the store. I get like that sometimes. If there are a lot of people around me and too close I HAVE to get out. It’s probably why I hate elevators so much. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like that. I wish I could handle being around in a crowded place with people I don't know and having the surround me wouldn't make me feel anxiety.
It never happens when I go to shows though. Hmm...strange.
Anyway, after I got my crap, My mom couldn't decide what to eat and I couldn't take her whining so I just said "I never saw so much drama over something that is just going to go down your damn throat hole." At the mention of throat hole I thought of Courtney because she said that once and I found that visual quite strong. After that she chose Chinese food. We ate then I called Dana.
Dana and I talked about how she is now into Veronica Mars and finally understands what I have been talking about this whole time. It was a short and sweet conversation and she says she will call back later. I am now waiting by the phone like if I was some love sick girl waiting for her boyfriend to call. Its sad that I care more about Dana calling than boys. I guess it is because she is cooler.
School starts on Tuesday. I'm not excited or nervous or anything. I have been doing this school shit since I was three. I have had 12 first school days (not including when I moved). The whole new school year thing has kinda lost its excitement. I don't think I will be excited until senior year even then probably not that much. I am sadder about the end of summer. This was probably the best summer I've had in a while. Discovered lots of good music, created tons of cds, and formed at least 12 million inside jokes. I know it has to end though. I wish it didn't but I need school around now. I need to keep busy to get my mind off stuff.
I will leave you with a Quote from Perks (which I read again today) that I feel sums up me right now
"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
-Charlie
And another quote
i want to read good news
i want to be innocent again
i want to read good news
but nothing good is happening
Something Corporate's Good News
